OVERWHELMED

So this year is coming to an end, and usually this is the time most people start to do their reflections on their lives.  I just feel so stressed about IVF,  its as though I'm in a stuffy house and I cant leave. Every window I see I'm excited to open, but when I try and open it, no luck. If I just walk out the house then I'm basically giving up, because in order to get what I want in the house I must stay.   There's always a missing part to be complete.  I will start the Jan 2011 IVF cycle at my clinic, and I feel OVERWHELMED!!!(STUFFY WITH LIMITED AIR).  The funny thing about it all is Im not going into it with outrageous expectations.  I  just feel OVERWHELMED because of all the unknowns, and so many windows that I just could never open.  I  want to get this show on the road and get some results.  My clinic only offers IVF 4 times a year, and this waiting is for the dang birds.  I love progress not being stagnant.  I know this is a very delicate issue, but I can't stay stress free like they recommended if I'm sitting around waiting. 
Okay, enough of my complaining!!  I'm still so thankful, but yet so OVERWHELMED!!!  Not to mention the Holidays!!! 
P.S.  I think its those freaking NEEDLES ready to get the first prick over with!!!

What would I be without my testimony!!

I was laying in bed, and I realize I have less than 60 days before I start stimming, and less than a month before I start to take birth control pills. (Now that is really funny). Birth control pills to a infertile lady got to love the irony.  As much as I am excited about the experience I will soon start.  I'm terrified about the outcome, the stress, the wait, the hormones, the shots, the hoping, wishing, doubting, and fear of failing at something I feel I deserve.  I know this is crazy because so many women only wish to be at this point to have the money for IVF, or to still have a chance for their own biological child so I'm not ungrateful just a little scared.  I wonder if my hormones will swing out of control and cause arguments with the DH?  Will I be so up and down I just go into my business and start firing people? I pray GOD keeps me calm.  I think I've watched to many videos, and heard to many others opinion's and now I fear this will become me.  But the beauty of it all is I get this awesome opportunity to join women on the 2nd part of my journey in life which is being a mom.  I know my Father in heaven has this all under control, but I still get a little OCD sometimes.  I was asked if I had one wish would I change my luck with infertility.  The answer is no, because infertility has made me into the person I am today.  And I know that is awesome!!!!  Thank you Jesus for giving me life lessons as much as they hurt I would not trade them in to have an easy life. Then who would I be without my testimony?

The measures we go through to conceive.

As I was sitting in the waiting room at the hospital it hit me that I'm borderline insane.  Here I was amongst all of these people getting ready to be cut up with the hopes of one day taking a baby home.  No guarantees just a increase in the success rate.  My DH still felt the surgery was unnecessary he just doest like hospitals, doctors, or blood.  I do enjoy watching him baby me make my love for him even stronger.  My RE assured me again that the fluid from the hydrosalpinx was toxic and not only could cause problems with implantation, but could cause  GYN problems in the future, and since I've been trying to conceive for over 10 years with no luck.  My mind tells me that my poor tube is not beneficial for me. My heart and emotions keep telling me not my freaking last tube.  Oh well...........

Bye bye tube and hydrosalpinx.  Fast forward getting out of surgery my RE meet me in recovery and confirmed there was more scar tissue than he was expecting and we would talk about that on my follow up visit.  Great just what I needed to hear him being apprehensive.  He also felt compelled to do a hysterscope and biopsy of my uterine tissue at the time of the laparscopic salpingectomy.  Once again the measures we go through in the IF world.  I'm praying the changes in my uterine tissue was because of the fluid from this hydrosalpinx that has been there for over 7 years draining in my womb.  I know all will be okay, and we will be starting IVF soon, and I will be a mommy before 33. 

Well the pain is hitting me now time to take some pain killers and lay down.

Words!

This is my first blog post yeah for me!!  Today I was just thinking for two years I have being going through infertility alone, and how grateful I am to have discovered the ladies on You Tube who had published their most private endeavors on the web.  The funny thing about it all when I searched You Tube for IVF I was wanting more information on the actual procedure.  But my almighty Father knew I needed a stronger support system, and he showed up again.  And now I hear stories of other women in similar situations facing the same challenges, wanting the same outcome. GOD is so good. Because no one I knew had ever been down this road I getting ready to embark on.

Ive used grateful and thankful so much in my life.  But I'm blessed to have found some amazing women and able to hear their stories.  So I will begin to tell my story, and perhaps I will also be a blessing to a fellow sister going through this tough time of if.  

I just keep reminding myself this is prep work, cause GOD is going to use me to do some amazing work for him.  And I will be ready.  I had a dear friend ask me the other day.  Do I feel my faith would be as strong if I didn't  have to go through this?  I've always had faith, but my faith now is so deeply rooted in his word.  I could not give an honest answer because that's not the path I'm currently walking.  I'm walking the infertile path, and I'm faithful in his word and his will.  

If you are dealing with IF you know on some days your faith is tested and your strength weakened. But I know through all of my struggles its developing me.